So I was talking to my good friend Charlie today about mommy-guilt. She was saying that it comes with every baby. Well I feel plagued with it right now. I mean, simply PLAGUED! I have to keep telling myself that I do not have to be my child’s sister. You know, the one I haven’t provided for her since she is an only child?? I almost have to say out loud that I am not depriving her and that she is not going to be crazy or demented or damaged in any way because she doesn’t have siblings. I do not have to feel bad because I don’t feel like playing with her today. And I don’t feel like making 50 calls to find someone else to entertain her.
Why do I feel so frantic about leaving her alone to entertain herself? I mean, she resists it for sure. She asks me every three minutes who she can call and when she can play with some one. I don’t want to entertain myself, she says. Many times I give in instead of giving her the gift of solitude and imagination. I don’t give her the chance to enjoy her own company, because she resist so. loudly.
So I feel guilty about catering to her need for entertainment, AND for not. For playing with her when I don’t feel like it, and then for saying with an annoyed sigh that I’ve had enough! It’s not my job to entertain you! Which isn’t something she needs to hear, necessarily, but something I need to say to myself. Because I know it’s not my job. But yet I still feel compelled to do it. Then feel angry at myself for not being the mom, and for giving in to my own compulsions. I worry that I’m putting her off and off and she’s going to get this message that I don’t want to be with her. And the truth is, I DON’T want to be with her in the role of ‘playmate.’ Mom, yes. Playmate and Cruise Director, NO. But that’s what I feel like sometimes. LIke I HAVE to be the cruise director–like that’s my punishment for having only one.
Sometimes I wish for a second child just to entertain my first. I don’t want another child to love and cherish and train and get to know as their own person. No. I just want someone there to let me off the hook. Which is why we ARE not having a second child by the way. Because I just want a servant girl at Sadie’s beck and call so I don’t have to fight her off. I get so weary of the battle. So I don’t REALLY want a second child. I want a child-in-waiting who is assigned to my daughter so I don’t have to be.
Of course this discussion always leads to OVERCOMPENSATION. Worrying that I’ll be so busy that Sadie will have to follow me around and talk to my back (i.e my own childhood…) but that’s so irrational. I’m not my mom…and my mom’s not even that person anymore. But I’m stuck there just the same.
(Damned if I do…damned if I don’t.)
There has to be some spacious free place within motherhood that lets me make mistakes. And allows me to be myself and trust my instincts and think of what’s best for Sadie, even if she is protesting madly. I just haven’t found it yet.
Oh, you so said it.
cute pic. Her hair is long again.
gosh, shelley, i just feel your frustration while reading this – you shouldn’t feel guilty, but i probably would too in your shoes. and a second child isn’t the automatic answer! there’s no guarantee they would even be playmates! if sadie doesn’t learn to be entertained by herself, what will happen to her as an adult? she’ll need friends around all the time in order for her to be happy. i think you should continue to encourage her to play alone – eventually, she will realize that is the only option, and hopefully will find peace with it – above all, keep praying! God can do amazing things with our kids!
Every once in a while I get the only child guilts, but then I remember how difficult my sister and I (and sometimes my brother) were — sometimes, admittedly, we played together nicely. But we also introduced a whole host of other problems when we didn’t get along. And now that we’re all adults I’m still not close to either one of them. Why would I want to put my little one (and myself) through that? I have no guarantee it would be that bad for her / them, but it reminds me that having two or more is also no guarantee of peace and quiet and friendship.
Haha! Have another one so they can play together? Well, sometimes they do…but they’ll more likely fight like cats and dogs.
Isabelle ignores the boys for the most part. Ethan and Trevor are either playing like best friends, or kicking and punching each other. Argh. Oliver is, so far, very good and easy…but, then again, he just learned to walk and he can’t get into much trouble yet.
I hear you with guilt. Especially with the…ahem…annoying child. No sense to skirt the issue. Sometimes kids are just dadgum irritating. Trevor is so bullheaded and everyone bickers with him nonstop. Then I feel guilty that he’s always in trouble. We do a lot of laughing and playing, but he thinks I should give him NONSTOP attention.
Yep, my boys would both be entirely happy to have my wrapped attention all day or be playing with someone. It takes a little conditioning and possibly scheduling to get them to entertain themselves doesn’t it? It always takes me a little while to transition on the days mine are home. Some time for me, some time for you. But all for one is not so coo(I thought that should ryhme
xoxox
p.s. I’m watching my niece and nephew today and tomorrow and the 5yr old just came up and said “Shannon, hucomb you’re always on the computer?” Whoops, she noticed. I guess I’ll have to put in some “quality” time now. Bahha
Shelby, it’s me again. There is a great guy who writes this awesome books on parenting that actually makes sense:)) At least for people like you and me:)) John Rosemond!! Read anything of him.. His latest is New Parent Power. This book is worth your time away from Sadie
I mean, Shelly, not Shelby:)Sorry my mind is fried tonite
Thanks Brenda! I miss you dear.
Ah yes, mommy guilt, it seems to go with the job for must of us, though I think that’s sad. I certainly am guilty of the mommy guilt myself. Oh, and having two has meant sometimes they play together nicely but more often I have two demanding my attention to play, or I have to act as referee:)