I was doing ok today until I went to Tate’s Myspace page. I watched the images of her slideshow go by, and I just sat here and choked out sobs. She looks so happy in the pictures. So fun to be around. So smiley and gorgeous. The conflict for me is that I haven’t seen her in that way these past few years. All I have been able to see was her neediness–this bottomless hole that sucked all my air away when I was with her. There was always drama, always a crisis. Always some desperate attempt for my (everyone’s) approval.
How do I reconcile this? I’m so sad that I missed her before she was even gone.
Ouch. I dunno. Course, I’m weird in that I’ve never been to a funeral for someone I knew.
Oh, Shelley…I don’t have anything wonderful to say…everything coming to mind is so cliche, it makes me want to smack myself just for thinking it. So, I’ll choose carefully from the cliche…and tell you I’m praying still. My heart is with you.
Those are the moments we get to grab and hold onto. I think the yucky memories fade while the great memories grow stronger. Her smile and laugh will never fade from my memory. Unique she was and is still.
Love you guys. My kids pray for you every night.
Shelley,
Got a call from the calling center at Houghton tonight, which made me think of you. The last time I read your blog you were talking about roller coasters. Little did you know…
I am thankful to have known Tate, even for a little while. She was so very alive with that electric smile of hers. It’s hard to believe how fast it all happened. God, please cover those closest to Tate with your peace, grace and hope. Bring some sense to all that seems senseless….amen.
Shelley,
Let me start by saying to you that I am so very sorry for your loss. Tate was so incredible in her own way. She will be sorely missed by us all. It will be so difficult for some time for you, but please be assured that the negative feelings you were having had no bearing at all on the love you two had for each other. Erik is so right when he says the bad memories fade. Just focus on the goodness. When you see each other again in heaven one day there will be no bad memories or feelings. Just pure happiness. So stay focused there now. Keep remembering those happy times. She’s watching over you now, smiling, laughing and remembering all the good times with you.
God bless you and your family.
I just happened across this post while browsing around WordPress. I can’t even imagine what a terrible shock this tragic event must have been to you and your family. I think one of the cruelest things about unexpected deaths is exactly what you mention here … the loss of time to work out conflicts, problems … the loss of opportunity to grow and change with someone you love. Your relationship with her is still there, but it only goes in one direction now, and while you are obviously the kind of person who will continue to reflect upon your relationship with her, and learn whatever you can from it … you won’t have the experience of sharing that with her, and sharing her life.
I think it’s perfectly natural to feel conflicted and confused. People who were challenging and complex in life don’t suddenly turn into saints when they die. They are who they are, and they impact our lives in whatever way they do while they’re with us. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t love and cherish them … it just means that people are three-dimensional and real. It’s possible to love someone deeply and still need to keep that person at a distance. It’s possible to love someone and be frustrated with them. Those conflicted feelings are, I think, the hallmark of a deep and real relationship. We don’t feel any conflict about people we’re not profoundly invested in.
This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.
– Rumi
You are in a crisis made up of beautiful longing. She had your approval. She had the Lover’s approval. How you longed for her to understand. How he longed to hold her face to face. And now you; aching to look into her eyes. If only we could all see as our eyes were meant to see; a world without the separation of a veil between us and the Lover. What if we didn’t need to long at all–simply could fly toward that secret sky, could let go completely and walk into the next world and back and forth between the two. What if we could live in Heaven now? What if this is a part of it? I want to let go of clinging to the veil, trying desperately to see behind it, beyond it. I want to tear it away. The only way to do so is to fly up quickly, snatch the thing and fall. Falling can be scary, I know. But love. But love will catch you.
Shelley,
I went on your sister’s myspace page too, and it was very strange. I just really feel your pain!
Thx for your comment on my blog. I actually had the Sunday school class over to my house last Sat night for games and snax. It was fun! Wished you could have been there. We all miss you guys and pray for you.
Love, T
Shelley,
I just love your honesty. Your ability to put such wonderful words to what you are feeling.
I think of you guys often these days knowing from experience that the only way to get through the grief without getting lost, is to feel it one day at a time. It is the feeling that makes it bearable. Acceptance is a ways down the road yet. The pain and regret will lessen with time.
It was with mixed feelings of sadness and happiness that I too watched the slide show. I saw so much of the Stacey that I knew in that slide show.
Go with God and remember that I am praying for you.
Love and Prayers,
Vicki B.
Wow, Shelley,
What incredible wisdom and insight in the response to your last blog. Even though you grieve her loss and the opportuntity to see the “Tate” in her slideshow, you had the best years of her life to cherish as you grew up together. I hope can find comfort in that reminder. I love you.
mom
Shelley,
I’m just thinking of you today. There really are no words. I love you.
Caroline
Her my space page made me cry. “True colors” was playing and her mood, “contemplative”. You did know her as only a sister could. And, .. You are STILL doing okay if you are crying. day by day, I imagine things will come. Love you and praying. – Julie
even though……you know i love you, right?
Shelley, my heart is breaking for you and I have no words except that now, Tate is standing in His glorious presence and she “gets it.” I am hoping that offers some comfort. Love and prayers, Angela
Shelly, let me start by saying I am sorry to hear about Stacey. She was a gift to this world, and a friend to many that may never be known. My father suffered a closed head injury when I was young eventually placing him in a nursing home until his passing. I carried alot of feeling surrounding this such as I could have spent more time and made more effort. I carried alot of anger as it was his fault he was in this position to begin with. But here we are fifteen years later and there has been many things learned. Just before his passing I had an opportunity to work at a habitat housing site, I chose to do this because the house was in the same town as the nursing home he was in. I went and worked on the house during the day and in the evenings would hitch a ride with someone to visit with him. Looking back it was truly precious time. I remember the last day on the site we where able to actually work with the family the house was being built for. The father of a family of five children and myself worked on painitng the rooms of the home together all weekend. He left about three or so to go off to work. We had such great conversation and for a moment I pondered if his children knew what they had in this man they call father. I cleaned up and left for the nursing home shortly after that. I had intention of telling my father that evening things that I felt needed to be said whether he understood or not. I arrived and went to his room. When I rounded the corner I said a short prayer and entered the room and immediately knew that this was it. I knew that this moment this time was the last I would be spending with him. I knew that he was going to be gone soon. I heard in my heart as I gasped and began to cry that something was going to happen. I went to his side and talked about old times and laughed through the tears and I heard very softly in my heart. You will not be alone. Just as I regrouped and brought myself together a gentleman walked through the door. I heard “Is that you?”I turned to find the very man I built a house with and for earlier standing right in front of me. He smiled and asked are you Johnny’s daughter? I said yes. He laughed and said I have been caring for your father these past three years. I am his advocate and we have watched many games together on Sundays. I began to cry again. But this was just the first part of Gods plan. WE talked together for at least two hours that night and how amazing this was to meet the way we did. It was just three months later in November when I received a call that my father had fallin and was going into surgery for a broken hip. One thing led to another and in just a few days he was gone. There were mistakes made through his death but God always triumphs, because my habitat friend was waiting for me and when I arrived had no problem telling us that things went wrong and he would help in any way he could. You would think this story ends here, but no God is an awesome God. It had to be about seven years after dad had pasted. I had moved away into the city and had begun a new and exciting life. Everything was moving very quickly. I had a son, became a single parent, and was changing my career path rapidly. In the chaos I remebered one day this man that I met and cared so much for my father. I wondered what ever became of him and his family and prayed for him on my way to work everyday for a week or two. I was talking with one of my co-workers shortly after this and we started talking about the big PA. She was from PA and I too grew up in those wonderful yet boring mountains. She was being pretty hard on herself about how poor she was growing up but that her father worked hard and got them out of a mess through that hard work. She started to tell a story that was all to familiar of a girl he met when having his house built and that father he cared for in the home. I began to cry and she looked at me? I began to finish the story she told as it was my own and she began to cry. I asked how he was and she explained that he had too passed away but had frequently talked of God’s mercy and blessing that was given to us both and how everyone is conected to everything. Yes I was working with his daughter as if all was pre-ordained by God. All this writing to say that out of anger and confusion God sends his biggest Miracles. When we feel like we have lost all we are not alone. I may not understand all of my fathers decisions prior to his accident but I do understand that they where his choices to make and that no matter how confusing the situation God is in the center of it all. Shelley, keep praying and keep always close to your heart that you are not alone.
KD
Dearest Shelly: It has taken me a long time to send this to you. It was simply too painful. I understand your hurt and your conflict. Sometimes I catch myself thinking “if my sister were here, we could…” But the truth is – my sister and I could never do things together. She would not allow it – she was too angry.
It was only during her last days of life that she finally realized my love for her. That I would “sleep-over” at a hospital to be near her, that I would ride with her and EMTs, that I would “sleep-over” at the nursing home, buy PJs and socks…yes, dear Sharon, I did love you all those years that you would not let me get close to you.
Do I still miss her? Yes, her anger and hatefulness… Do I miss my loving sister? No, I didn’t know her .
shelley, I am so glad I have found your blog. just wondered across it while searching the internet as I do for hours on end looking for some people in a similar situation.
my little sister has a bebo page, and I look on it all the times. it has got all her personal info and blogs that she has written herself about her family and what she wants to do in her life. her friends still wirte gorgous comments on it every day, even though it has been a year…You are amazing to write down your feelings and post them on the internet because for some reason it does bring comfort to people in the same situation. so there you go, just wanted to say thanks for making me cry, because sometimes you can block it out for so long and you know you need to cry, but it makes it easier by blaming it on someone elses blog!