What happens if all I feel is a giant, heavy, Blah? It’s like a big rock is just sitting on my stomach. Sometimes I am afraid that I’m not dealing with my sister’s death at all, so I write in my journal over and over: Tate is gone. Tate died. My sister died. I have a dead sister. My sister is dead. –just to make myself FEEL the reality. But I wonder where the feelings are. I can explain the entire hospital ordeal to anyone who asks with clinical detachment. I can talk about lawyers and wrongful death and exhuming like it was something I saw on a show. I guess I’m wondering, no fearing, that all of a sudden, I’ll pass out when it truly hits me.
I’m waiting for it to hit me.
You’re okay.
You’re processing this the only way you can. There’s no wrong way. No right way. No matter what you feel, keep breathing. One breath at time.
No matter what you feel or don’t feel, don’t beat yourself up. It hasn’t been that long. No one expects you to behave a certain way so don’t expect it of yourself. There’s no performance or striving here.
Invite Jesus into this situation. Ask Him to walk you through this process. He knows how you’re wired and what you need to walk through this and only He can bring you the comfort and healing you need.
Much love,
Many blessings!!
Julie
Jewel said it well. There is no rush, no steps to follow, no how-to guide.
If you pass out because it hits you all at once, you’ll be okay, too. You can trust that you will not be destroyed, no matter how this process plays out.
((Shelley)) Everyone has their own way of grieving a loved one’s death. Yes, there are moments when you’ll feel like passing out from the weight of the pain. I can honestly say that I still have those moments 10 years after my dad’s death, they are not often but they still come. I can talk about his diagnosis very clinically too…I think it’s part of dealing with it. The sharpness of the pain does lessen, I don’t think it ever leaves but doesn’t leave such raw sharp pain. Praying for you.
Shelley, other than grandfathers, I have never lost anyone that close to me so I cannot even begin to know how you feel. I do know though, from dealing with other close friends who have lost loved ones is that there is absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve and that everyone deals and grieves in different ways. It sounds as though you are having feelings of guilt because you feel as though you’re not having the feelings you think you should be having. This is a process and the process is different for everyone involved. You’re feelings will come as they should and as they are right for you. You don’t need to feel guilty, just take it as it comes. Praying for you and your family daily, lots of love, Tammy
Maybe reading Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Loss (Grief) will help you better understand where you are. John Bowlby has also written on loss.
In the Christina tradition we don’t seem to have a systematic grieving process. It may be helpful to check out the Mourners’ Kaddish from the Jewish tradition.
I hardly know what to say but I felt the need to write. I am so sorry and sad for you in the loss of your sister. It sounds like it was unexpected and rather shockingly sudden. Your journey through this grief will be YOUR journey and it does not have to follow a timeline or be like somebody else’s grief and loss experience. I lost my Dad last year and I have my own issues with nursing home neglect which I know led to his early passing. It has been hard not to “what if…” the situation… and to learn to let it be what it is. My hardest thing was to let myself cry even though it felt like I would die just from crying. Grief is a strange “thing” but let it do its work in its time. You will come through this.
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