It occurred to me in the shower this morning that I am paralyzed by fear. Stuck stock still, feet set in concrete. I’m scared out of my mind. And here is what I am afraid of: that I will never change. That I will always be wondering where my motivation is hiding. Wondering what my [...]
Archive for the ‘Anxiety’ Category
Imperfect Action
Posted in Anxiety, Blah, Boredom, Creativity, Freaking Depression, Hang ups, Imperfect Action, Insecurity, Motivation, OCD, Ponderings, Procrastination, Self-image, Things I can't stop talking about, Where are my words, perfectionism on July 18, 2009 | 7 Comments »
The Secret Ingredient
Posted in Anxiety, Cleaning, Complaints, Contentment, Creativity, Family, Frustration, Half-Assed, House Muse, Learning, Motivation, Procrastination, Things I can't stop talking about, homemaking, hope, joy, life, perfectionism on January 12, 2009 | 13 Comments »
I have a teeny tiny problem with perfectionism. If I can’t do it perfectly, (I tell myself) I can’t do it. So projects pile up, clutter collects and my life goes from order to disorder in a blink. I have journal entries dating back to 1997 that say the same thing: why can’t I get [...]
When?
Posted in Anxiety, Family, Grief, Losing a sibling, My sister, Ponderings, Sad, Surreal, Things I can't stop talking about, Transition, death on September 15, 2008 | 6 Comments »
What happens if all I feel is a giant, heavy, Blah? It’s like a big rock is just sitting on my stomach. Sometimes I am afraid that I’m not dealing with my sister’s death at all, so I write in my journal over and over: Tate is gone. Tate died. My sister died. I have [...]
Suspended
Posted in Anxiety, Family, Freaking out, My sister, Sad, Surreal, Things I can't stop talking about, Uncategorized on August 26, 2008 | 14 Comments »
I cried a lot today. I had no idea what it felt like to carry a burden of grief around like this. The waiting, dear God, the waiting. I’m unloading the dishwasher and I think ‘Oh. I’ll call Tate.’ (That always makes the task go faster) and then I remember, and I’m almost doubled over [...]
Roller Coaster
Posted in Amazing friends, Anxiety, Arkansas, Community, Freaking out, God, Grace, Houghton, Insecurity, Moving, NY, Ponderings, Sad, Sadie, This rural life, Transition, Well-being, Wonder, coffee, homemaking on August 7, 2008 | 9 Comments »
Roller Coaster is so cliche, but it fittingly describes my summer. When we first arrived in NY I felt this sense of home–a comfortable familiar even though we we’ve been away from this town for 11 years. I was in wonderland–a cool breezy land of green enchantment. The trees, of course, but also the people. [...]
I Love You; Go Away!
Posted in Anxiety, Complaints, Family, Freaking out, Frustration, Hang ups, Mental health issues, Mother-guilt, Motherhood, OCD, Over-reaction, Sadie, Things I can't stop talking about, Why Sadie will need therapy, Yikes!, homemaking on July 26, 2008 | 7 Comments »
It’s the usual summer stress: convincing Sadie that she DOES NOT need to be occupied every second of the live-long day. She does NOT need a friend over the minute her first friend of the day leaves. Same issue, different state. What is most frustrating to me is that I have created this world for [...]
Where’s WalMart?
Posted in Anxiety, Arkansas, Complaints, Freaking out, Frustration, Houghton, Moving, NY, Over-reaction, Surreal, This rural life, Yikes! on June 23, 2008 | 18 Comments »
We went to Walmart the other day. Usually this wouldn’t be eventful, or the cause of any emotion except, maybe, exasperation. But this time, I had a teeny panic attack. I knew the magnitude of this move would hit me eventually, but I didn’t expect it to happen at WALMART.
First we drove 27 miles to [...]
Precarious
Posted in Anxiety, Arkansas, Community, God, Grace, Motivation, Moving, NY, Ponderings, Sad, Selling the house, Things I can't stop talking about, coffee on May 30, 2008 | 7 Comments »
I’d like to say I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy, but that is just not true. I’ve been rather mopey–wandering around the house wondering what I’m supposed to be doing. We had the whirlwind of getting ready to show the house and my adrenaline was running high, and now it’s like [...]
“Only” Guilt
Posted in Anxiety, Family, Frustration, Hang ups, Mental health issues, Mother-guilt, Motherhood, OCD, Sadie, Things I can't stop talking about, Uncategorized on May 10, 2008 | 10 Comments »
So I was talking to my good friend Charlie today about mommy-guilt. She was saying that it comes with every baby. Well I feel plagued with it right now. I mean, simply PLAGUED! I have to keep telling myself that I do not have to be my child’s sister. You know, the one I haven’t [...]
Spring Break
Posted in Amazing friends, Anxiety, Community, Creativity, Family, Funny, House Muse, Mental health issues, OCD, Silly, homemaking on March 19, 2008 | 7 Comments »
Since I’m beyond remembering what was significant about the post I lost, I’ll just move on. I haven’t been posting for awhile because 1) I’ve been wheezy sick. If I laugh a little bit, I sound like I’ve been smoking for 100 years (and I don’t smoke, except for that one time in college when [...]
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