It occurred to me in the shower this morning that I am paralyzed by fear. Stuck stock still, feet set in concrete. I’m scared out of my mind. And here is what I am afraid of: that I will never change. That I will always be wondering where my motivation is hiding. Wondering what my [...]
Archive for the ‘Ponderings’ Category
Imperfect Action
Posted in Anxiety, Blah, Boredom, Creativity, Freaking Depression, Hang ups, Imperfect Action, Insecurity, Motivation, OCD, perfectionism, Ponderings, Procrastination, Self-image, Things I can't stop talking about, Uncategorized, Where are my words on July 18, 2009 | 7 Comments »
Verbal Tofu
Posted in Blah, Complaints, Contentment, Houghton, NY, perfectionism, Ponderings, Snow, The Bleak Midwinter, This rural life, We're not in Arkansas anymore..., Where are my words on January 29, 2009 | 3 Comments »
I’ve been feeling lately like I have nothing to say. As someone who Says Things as a hobby, this makes me a little panicky. When I have conversations with people these days, my face feels weird, like I don’t know how to communicate anymore–like I’m verbally frozen, and a little bit twitchy. What’s that all [...]
Reprieve
Posted in Calling, Community, Contentment, death, God, Grace, Grief, hope, Houghton, joy, Learning, life, Losing a sibling, Motivation, My sister, NY, Ponderings, Procrastination, Running, Surreal, The outdoors, This rural life, Transition, Well-being, Wonder, tagged God, Grief, joy, Losing a sibling, Peace, Running on October 9, 2008 | 9 Comments »
I started running after my sister died. Well, running is a little ambitious to describe it. Let’s just say someone walking at a very brisk pace could lap me repeatedly. I always thought I hated running, but somehow–right now–it is the only thing that seems to make sense to me. When I’m running, I feel [...]
When?
Posted in Anxiety, death, Family, Grief, Losing a sibling, My sister, Ponderings, Sad, Surreal, Things I can't stop talking about, Transition on September 15, 2008 | 6 Comments »
What happens if all I feel is a giant, heavy, Blah? It’s like a big rock is just sitting on my stomach. Sometimes I am afraid that I’m not dealing with my sister’s death at all, so I write in my journal over and over: Tate is gone. Tate died. My sister died. I have [...]
Conflicted
Posted in death, Family, Frustration, Grace, Losing a sibling, My sister, Ponderings, Sad, Things I can't stop talking about on September 8, 2008 | 17 Comments »
I was doing ok today until I went to Tate’s Myspace page. I watched the images of her slideshow go by, and I just sat here and choked out sobs. She looks so happy in the pictures. So fun to be around. So smiley and gorgeous. The conflict for me is that I haven’t seen [...]
Roller Coaster
Posted in Amazing friends, Anxiety, Arkansas, coffee, Community, Freaking out, God, Grace, homemaking, Houghton, Insecurity, Moving, NY, Ponderings, Sad, Sadie, This rural life, Transition, Uncategorized, Well-being, Wonder on August 7, 2008 | 9 Comments »
Roller Coaster is so cliche, but it fittingly describes my summer. When we first arrived in NY I felt this sense of home–a comfortable familiar even though we we’ve been away from this town for 11 years. I was in wonderland–a cool breezy land of green enchantment. The trees, of course, but also the people. [...]
Ode to the Trees
Posted in Contentment, Houghton, Moving, NY, Ponderings, Providence, Solitude, Surreal, The outdoors, This rural life, Well-being, Wonder on July 14, 2008 | 6 Comments »
The cataclysmic event of moving across the country and settling into new routines, new church, new friends, new temperatures, new LIFE–leaves me with so much to say I don’t know where to start. So I’ll begin with a word: GRATEFUL. Grateful for so much. But first for the trees. I forgot about trees. I forgot [...]
Precarious
Posted in Anxiety, Arkansas, coffee, Community, God, Grace, Motivation, Moving, NY, Ponderings, Sad, Selling the house, Things I can't stop talking about on May 30, 2008 | 7 Comments »
I’d like to say I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy, but that is just not true. I’ve been rather mopey–wandering around the house wondering what I’m supposed to be doing. We had the whirlwind of getting ready to show the house and my adrenaline was running high, and now it’s like [...]
Moving Ramble
Posted in Amazing friends, Arkansas, Calling, coffee, Community, Contentment, God, Grace, Learning, Moving, NY, Ponderings, Sad, Sadie, Selling the house, Uncategorized, Yikes! on May 6, 2008 | 6 Comments »
So it’s just the oddest thing. The way God changes things. I have this vivid memory of sitting in Dan’s office at Houghton in 1997, digging up anything I could find about Siloam Springs, the town we would be soon moving to. I couldn’t surf the web at home, all we could access there was [...]
You Get What You Get (though you might throw a fit)*
Posted in God, Grace, Learning, Ponderings, Uncategorized, Well-being, Wonder on April 21, 2008 | 13 Comments »
*Title change: I realized after a thoughtful comment from Marcy that my first title wasn’t quite accurate. So I changed it. Formally, it was “You Get What You Get and You Don’t Thow a Fit.” I think this one is more fitting to the post. I went to Houghton, NY last weekend REALLY wishing to [...]
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