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Archive for the ‘Things I can't stop talking about’ Category

Imperfect Action

Posted in Anxiety, Blah, Boredom, Creativity, Freaking Depression, Hang ups, Imperfect Action, Insecurity, Motivation, OCD, Ponderings, Procrastination, Self-image, Things I can't stop talking about, Where are my words, perfectionism on July 18, 2009 | 7 Comments »

It occurred to me in the shower this morning that I am paralyzed by fear. Stuck stock still, feet set in concrete. I’m scared out of my mind. And here is what I am afraid of: that I will never change. That I will always be wondering where my motivation is hiding. Wondering what my [...]

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Surfacing

Posted in Freaking Depression, Freaking out, Grief, Houghton, Losing a sibling, Mental health issues, Motivation, Moving, My sister, NY, OCD, The Bleak Midwinter, Therapy, Things I can't stop talking about, Transition, death, hope on February 23, 2009 | 16 Comments »

So I’ve really not been ok. I don’t think I realized how far under the water I was until I started to surface recently. I don’t know how I mistook the murky deep for light or air. All I know is that I didn’t know how bad I was feeling until I started feeling better. [...]

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The Secret Ingredient

Posted in Anxiety, Cleaning, Complaints, Contentment, Creativity, Family, Frustration, Half-Assed, House Muse, Learning, Motivation, Procrastination, Things I can't stop talking about, homemaking, hope, joy, life, perfectionism on January 12, 2009 | 13 Comments »

I have a teeny tiny problem with perfectionism. If I can’t do it perfectly, (I tell myself) I can’t do it. So projects pile up, clutter collects and my life goes from order to disorder in a blink. I have journal entries dating back to 1997 that say the same thing: why can’t I get [...]

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Christmas Recap

Posted in Anger, Cleaning, Complaints, Family, Freaking Depression, Frustration, Grief, Hang ups, Losing a sibling, Motivation, My sister, Pathetic Scene File, Sad, Sadie, Things I can't stop talking about, Transition, death, homemaking, hope on January 3, 2009 | 6 Comments »

Well, I didn’t hate Christmas. It didn’t suck. Surprisingly. Though I did have a few moments where I wanted to hurl myself off of the mountain side because the physical pain would have felt much better than the waves of grief that shoved me hard underwater at random and unexpected times. I found myself muttering [...]

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Ghost Sock

Posted in Bizarre, Family, Funny, Grief, Losing a sibling, My sister, Running, Sad, Surreal, Things I can't stop talking about, Transition, Yikes!, death on September 24, 2008 | 5 Comments »

I was stretching at the gym earlier, and I was a little bit startled to see Tate’s feet. I had her little footie socks on that she always wore, and my brain changed my wide, chunky feet to her delicate, dainty ones–including her little chicken ankles.  I swear, I was wearing my sister’s feet, like [...]

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The ‘Pathetic Scene File’

Posted in Family, Freaking out, Grief, Losing a sibling, My sister, Pathetic Scene File, Sad, Surreal, Things I can't stop talking about, death on September 19, 2008 | 15 Comments »

Today was a rough one. I was listening to my ipod, bopping around–unloading the dishwasher happy as you please–when I heard this tiny snippet of a song. It reminded me of a song that my mom used to play when my sister Tate and I were little. It wasn’t even the SAME song. It just [...]

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When?

Posted in Anxiety, Family, Grief, Losing a sibling, My sister, Ponderings, Sad, Surreal, Things I can't stop talking about, Transition, death on September 15, 2008 | 6 Comments »

What happens if all I feel is a giant, heavy, Blah? It’s like a big rock is just sitting on my stomach. Sometimes I am afraid that I’m not dealing with my sister’s death at all, so I write in my journal over and over: Tate is gone. Tate died. My sister died. I have [...]

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Conflicted

Posted in Family, Frustration, Grace, Losing a sibling, My sister, Ponderings, Sad, Things I can't stop talking about, death on September 8, 2008 | 17 Comments »

I was doing ok today until I went to Tate’s Myspace page. I watched the images of her slideshow go by, and I just sat here and choked out sobs. She looks so happy in the pictures. So fun to be around. So smiley and gorgeous. The conflict for me is that I haven’t seen [...]

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Suspended

Posted in Anxiety, Family, Freaking out, My sister, Sad, Surreal, Things I can't stop talking about, Uncategorized on August 26, 2008 | 14 Comments »

I cried a lot today. I had no idea what it felt like to carry a burden of grief around like this. The waiting, dear God, the waiting. I’m unloading the dishwasher and I think ‘Oh. I’ll call Tate.’ (That always makes the task go faster) and then I remember, and I’m almost doubled over [...]

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I Love You; Go Away!

Posted in Anxiety, Complaints, Family, Freaking out, Frustration, Hang ups, Mental health issues, Mother-guilt, Motherhood, OCD, Over-reaction, Sadie, Things I can't stop talking about, Why Sadie will need therapy, Yikes!, homemaking on July 26, 2008 | 7 Comments »

It’s the usual summer stress: convincing Sadie that she DOES NOT need to be occupied every second of the live-long day. She does NOT need a friend over the minute her first friend of the day leaves. Same issue, different state. What is most frustrating to me is that I have created this world for [...]

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