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Archive for the ‘Moving’ Category

So I’ve really not been ok. I don’t think I realized how far under the water I was until I started to surface recently. I don’t know how I mistook the murky deep for light or air. All I know is that I didn’t know how bad I was feeling until I started feeling better. Depression is tricky that way. It’s like the frog who doesn’t feel the water getting hotter as he starts to boil because it’s been happening so gradually.

Thankfully I have found a good nurse practitioner who recognized the need to up my medication. Every once in a while I’ll have these flashes of hope and light, and their existence is quite a surprise to me. That buoyant feeling means its working!

My new therapist reminded me that in the past six months I have moved across the country, left my job, left my girlfriends, AND my sister died. So a little depression really shouldn’t be surprising me–or a cause to panic. I LOVE her. People think you have to be crazy to go to a therapist. I say I’d be CRAZY not to see one. She helps me realize that I am quite sane.

So, I’ll be here, trudging along–skipping occasionally–and working my way up out of the water.

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Roller Coaster is so cliche, but it fittingly describes my summer. When we first arrived in NY I felt this sense of home–a comfortable familiar even though we we’ve been away from this town for 11 years. I was in wonderland–a cool breezy land of green enchantment. The trees, of course, but also the people. The extrovert in me was 100 percent GO–meeting new people everyday, reconnecting with old friends, barbecues, play group–where am I Heaven? People dropping cookies off on our doorstep, coming home to a gift of homemade bread; feeling so embraced, so welcomed. Top of the coaster excitement.

Then Dan actually has to go to work. Oh. So this isn’t Playtime Summer Vacation? I have to readjust to planning meals and keeping the house in order and wrangling an extremely social and extroverted near 6 year old–you know, do my part to contribute to Team Noyes. But now I have to relearn everything because I keep opening the wrong drawer when I want to grab a spoon, and my shopping/meal planning system doesn’t work here because I live out in freaking nowhere now, and Sadie is asking me four hundred times a minute: what are the plans for the day? I miss my friends in Arkansas–the ones you could pop in on, or call and say ‘we’re comin’ over, get the coffee on (Where IS my coffee, Shannon!?) And it dawns on me that I really have to start all over again with all my background because lots of people here don’t know me from Adam’s housecat, and these things take time. So I feel all lonely and wonder where I fit in, and worry that people are just being nice to me because they feel sorry for me because I’m really that annoying person who is totally intense and shares too much the first time I talk to someone. So my insecurity makes me all irrational and  tight faced, and I’m sure I’m missing out on everything EVEN THOUGH I have been invited to many things. I keep wondering why I feel random bouts of depression, and Dan reminds me that TIME is the answer, and that feeling at the bottom of the roller coaster is totally normal when you move to a new place and reality sets in.

Despite everything, though, the great thing is that I know we are supposed to be here. I feel excited and hopeful for the plans God has in store for us. For me. I don’t know yet how my day to day life is going to shake down once school starts and I can go to a Bible study and we get into more of a routine. I know that sooner than later I’ll find my place here in this community–the people here have been awesome to me, and I’m so thankful for being included so far. I know it’s going to be alright, even though I panic once in a while.

It’s about trusting, really. And letting go. Which I do when I ride roller coasters, by the way.  I love those wooden rickety ones that make you feel like you are going to fly right out of your seat. I purposely go slack and not hold on because I like the feeling of being held in, even when I think I’m going to fall out. The less I resist the twists and jerks, the smoother the ride feels. If I’m clenching on for dear life, I get whiplash.

Holy Cow, what a ride.

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The cataclysmic event of moving across the country and settling into new routines, new church, new friends, new temperatures, new LIFE–leaves me with so much to say I don’t know where to start. So I’ll begin with a word:

GRATEFUL.

Grateful for so much. But first for the trees. I forgot about trees. I forgot what it’s like to live in and around them. On my back deck I can see and hear a Quaking Aspen–taller than the house, leaves flashing silver in the wind. Then there are the Evergreens. Tall and close–home to woodpeckers; surrounding me with beauty, tucking me away from the busyness of life. I feel like I’m on an extended retreat here, right in my own house.  I needed to be away from this part of the country for awhile to appreciate what I took for granted. I didn’t really notice before and now I can’t stop staring. I found an old, old tree on a nearby trail–big knots, mammoth trunk. I waved hello, and wondered if it had been there even before the college in 1883. I wanted to know what it could tell me.

Also, I was glad no one saw me wave at the tree.

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We went to Walmart the other day. Usually this wouldn’t be eventful, or the cause of any emotion except, maybe, exasperation. But this time, I had a teeny panic attack. I knew the magnitude of this move would hit me eventually, but I didn’t expect it to happen at WALMART.

First we drove 27 miles to get there. Now I knew when we signed up for living the rural life that STUFF would be far away. But I’ve been on this hear-the-wind-in-the-trees high for a week now, and real life hasn’t really set in yet. Let me tell you, the honeymoon came to a screeching halt when we walked into the Warsaw Walmart. As Cinderella so aptly put it in the ’80’s: You don’t know know whatcha got ’till it’s gone…

Wait, this is not a Supercenter three minutes from my house. We’ve been in the car for 45 minutes. It looks like the old Siloam Walmart, and it doesn’t have any natural lighting…where is the Great Value kitchen cleaner? The Walmart brand light bulbs? What? You don’t carry them? I want the cheap Light Ranch–you only have Good Seasons? No Altern? Feeling short of breath…

Holy Culture Shock, Batman. I had a routine, a grocery shopping schedule. Get in, get out. Bam. Now I’m in a panic because I don’t know when the next time I’ll be able to find cheap Suave hair products, so I have to THINK AHEAD and compile this Little House on the Prairie list for the next time we head into Sleepy Eye for supplies. And what I really want to know is, why is milk 3.99??? The answer I get around here is “Welcome to NY.”

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A few pictures of our journey so far:

(when we finally found the camera!)

Sadie in new living room

I love our new house. I call it The Treehouse. My favorite thing to do is sit out on the back deck. I am decompressing here. I can’t believe how peaceful, how rested, I feel. Of course it’s maddening to have all of my worldly possessions half in/half out of boxes, but we’re slowly getting it done.

We have been WARMLY welcomed here. It is a small community, and people have been dropping cookies off at our doorstep, inviting us to dinner, making us lunch when the movers came, and just popping in to say ‘welcome to the neighborhood.’

Also, I LOVE the weather. Today I had to get out my wool cardigan. We had all of the windows open, and it was only like 60 degrees. Dan and I keep going outside and rubbing our eyes and saying ‘are we dreaming?’ I had forgotten how much I like to be outside.

Sadie counted it up, and she has 8 friends to date. I’ve reconnected with some old friends, and have met several new ones. The church here is really the center of the community–I feel like we’ve gone back in time, and I am loving it. Sometimes I think we are living in Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegon. Everyone knows everyone else, and news travels FAST. When we got here, the former owners of the house had a long haired cat. Although the house was SPOTLESS, I was still sneezing. We had to get the carpets professionally cleaned, and the next day a person I hadn’t seen in 11 years came over to our house and asked how my allergies were doing. That was the first thing she asked me. How did she know? ‘Get used to it’, I’m told.

I love it here. The fresh air has done wonders for my soul. I feel like God has given me this amazing gift of a place, and I am overwhelmed with the joy of it. I am so grateful.

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So tired. Can’t speak in complete sentences. Will give highlights:

Thurs. 6/6: Three big burly women packers fly through house. Saw one smurf tattoo. Loud: tape ripping, paper crinkling, markers squeaking. Signed a contract to sell our house. Will close Lord willing on June 30th.

Fri. 6/6: Movers arrive. Father/son/cousin team. Heard angry, loud, scary shouting–dad and son in each other’s faces over placement of our stuff in truck. Yikes! No air conditioning–sweat poured all around. Slept in empty house that night.

Sat. 6/7: Left Siloam 7:00am. Heard “are we in NY yet” in Tontitown (7 miles out of town…) Drove and drove and drove and drove and ate at McDonalds and drove. Stopped in Indiana for the night 40 miles before we wanted to–I-70 was closed due to state of emergency/flooding. Got one of the last hotel rooms in Terre Haute. Wondered if we were ever going to get out of Indiana. Ate good chinese food.

Sun. 6/8: Drove and drove and drove and ate at Wendy’s. Got 40 miles away from Erie Pa (our stop for the night) and traffic was stopped AGAIN. Who the freak knows why. “Are we at cousin Josie’s yet” Sadie asked every 7 seconds. I timed it. Oh. My. Word. Took a detour, arrived in Erie 3:30pm EASTERN TIME. (Will miss the Central Time TV schedule…) Stayed up WAAAAAAAAAY too late.

Today: hanging out with Dan’s brother and fam. Went to the beach at Lake Erie. Found cool beach glass. Life feels surreal.  Will leave tomorrow am to Olean, NY to close on our NY house. Then will travel to Houghton to our empty house and stay there and wait three days for our stuff.

It’s all good.

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Quick update…

Three families are looking at our house today. At least one of the three is so interested they are going to the bank, and may have an offer for us. We leave in 5.4 days. Talk about the 11th hour.

Thanks, dear ones, for praying. Now I must speed to make the house BEAUTIFUL…

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