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Archive for the ‘Silly’ Category

Summer Sabbath is what my church calls That Time In The Summer When Everyone Is Away. It is also my favorite time of the church year because we all cram into the church for one service. Usually we have three services–one contemporary, one traditional, and one for the college students–and I don’t especially like to choose just one.  In the summer I can sit in the balcony and look down and see people I never get to see during the year. Also, the style of services are combined so that there is a mix of formal with the informal: amazing organ music and classic hymns holding hands with drum sets and guitars. I like the fact that each of us in the community has to give up the right to ‘preference’, and just worship together.

Sadie, on the other hand, doesn’t especially enjoy Summer Sabbath because there is no Jr. Church. In the summer, Sadie is subjected to the torture of sitting through the ENTIRE service, instead of getting to leave after the offering (and before the sermon…) Five minutes into the service, she is rolling her eyes and sighing and fidgeting and asking How Much Longer???! So Dan has been packing a surprise bag for her each week filled with fun stuff for her to do–pens, notebook, little dolls etc. He also packs a little snack and a bottle of water.

So this morning, as the service is starting, Sadie is pawing through the bag, looking for something to share with her friend Emma. We are sitting in the first row of the balcony and Emma is six rows behind us. Sadie pulls a screwdriver out of the bag and cracks up. She stands up and holds it over her head to show Emma what her crazy daddy packed in her surprise bag. Then she pulls out a fortune cookie. And a piece of plastic tubing. And a gym sock. Each item she gets she stands up and shows Emma. By this time we are into the first song and I am laughing too–I had no idea what Dan had packed for her and I was wondering what she was going to pull out next. A bag of Apple Jacks. A little package of elastic cord. Binoculars. A kitchen sponge. A chocolate covered granola bar.

What on earth!? It was all just so RANDOM. I’m nearly snorting with laughter and then the older gentleman behind us taps Sadie on the shoulder and says ‘Who packed your bag?’ I was relieved to see a sparkle in his eye–he seemed to find the whole thing as amusing as I did.

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Sadie: All moms are annoying. Kids don’t want moms.

Me: Hmm. I think kids would really miss moms if they weren’t there.

Sadie: Yeah, maybe other kids don’t want moms, but I do. I just wish you didn’t always tell me what to do. It’s very annoying. How would you feel if I said to you ‘Clean your room! All of it?’ or ‘Build a fort for me!’ or ‘Do my work for me!’

Me: I have never asked you to do my work, or build me a fort.

Sadie: I KNOW. But it FEELS like it.

Me: Well, when you become a mom, you can tell your own kids what to do.

Sadie: I definitely won’t be like YOU. I’m going to be a NICE mom.

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Here’s my question: WHO puts fluorescent lights in a coffee shop?? What is up? Lamps, people! Lamps or indirect lighting. First of all, there is a glare on my laptop screen. Second of all, have we NOT heard of ambiance?

I am aware that I have lighting issues. ESPECIALLY if it has to do with fluorescent lights. But I also have a problem with unbalanced light (too bright in one part of the room, and not enough in another–like maybe I’m facing a window or something.) I’m just not a fan of overhead lighting. Yes. I realize that there far more legitimate things to complain about (like the foul odor emanating from SOMEWHERE near the coffeshop chair I’m sitting on…GROSS!) Or maybe starving people in the world or global warming or something. It still baffles me how someone would open up a coffee shop without thinking about lighting.

That’s all I’m saying.

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Since I’m beyond remembering what was significant about the post I lost, I’ll just move on. I haven’t been posting for awhile because 1) I’ve been wheezy sick. If I laugh a little bit, I sound like I’ve been smoking for 100 years (and I don’t smoke, except for that one time in college when we were around the campfire and the guys were smoking old-man pipes and reading poetry and being all literary and I took teeny puff–awful putrid stuff–but the guys thought they were so cool at the time…) ANYWAY, I looked up symptoms of pneumonia but as is customary for me, I’m jumping to the worst possible conclusion and really what I have is a lingering cold/cough that half of my town has, so I just should get over myself and stop worrying about the fact that I’ve never been able to spit. I’m serious. I couldn’t hork to save my life. I think it has to do with my irrational fear of throwing up. It is kind of in that same category to me. And I’ve heard that if you have pneumonia, you have to get all that gunk out of your lungs somehow and I’ve been wondering what on earth I’m going to do. I know this is totally gross, and isn’t your body supposed to know how to get the stuff out? Maybe it’s because I didn’t have brothers or something, but every time I try to work up to spitting, my throat closes and I swallow automatically.  Sorry. I hope you weren’t eating.

The number 2) reason I haven’t posted in a while is because it’s spring  break around here, and for this family, that means House Project Time! We have our tax refund money and are in the process of repainting, reflooring and DE-cluttering. In the past two days, Dan has painted the entire living room, dining room, entryway, and main hallway. Including primer and two colors: a lovely cafe latte/cream combo. Thanks to Trish over at Simple Pink for her mad consulting skills, we are on our way to a brand new space. Seriously. She could run one of those shows where the experts go in and look at your space and find stuff somewhere else in your house and make these simple suggestions that you would have NEVER thought of in your life, and BAM. Your house is amazing on a budget. I have long despised my hideous couch, and Trish suggested to switch it out for the cool-looking futon that we have in our spare bedroom. Why didn’t I think of that? It looks incredible in the living room. So we’re really on a roll. And the computer has been down so Dan can paint, and now since he’s done, we’re up and running again. Oh, and also, Trish found a great little computer desk in our garage. Dan had all of his oil changing stuff on this old wooden thing that we’ve had forever, and she said “hey, that would be a great little computer desk.” Oh. MY. Word. It changes the whole look of the living room. She’s amazing, that one.  Thanks again, Trish!!

So to sum up: wheezing, obsessing and redecorating.

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Oh blast. I started a post earlier and forgot to save it. Now I’m all out of energy to finish it.

Like the time in college when I was writing a six page paper straight out of my butt and the computers shut down. Served me right.

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Storytime

So on Wednesdays I go to Sadie’s school, and after helping her teacher with copying or laminating or cutting or stapling or whatever a Kindergarten teacher needs, I read the class a story. It’s a blast to go in there because all the kids know me, and they joyfully ram me from all sides with their sticky exuberance. They actually form a line to hug me. I see these cute little boys who in, like, two years, will be too cool to show any emotion, and I just cherish it. Five and six year olds are PRECIOUS. They all want to show me what they are working on, and they shove books into my hands so I can read ‘their’ book to the class. Of course Sadie gets a bit possessive of me, and has to sit DIRECTLY on my lap when I’m reading the story, which poses a slight logistical problem. I have to hold the book out around her, make sure SHE sees the pictures first (she gets VERY offended if I show the class the pictures before she gets to see them…) and then turn the pages with my arms out almost straight. But they are the BEST audience. They laugh in all the right places and gasp on cue. I’m all dramatic doing crazy voices and dramatic pauses and wild hand gestures.

This week I got the idea that I would bring in a Charlie and Lola book. For those of you who don’t spend 7 hours a day with the Disney Channel as background noise, Charlie and Lola is this great British cartoon about a big brother who has to take care of his precocious little sister. Go to the link, their accents are CHARMING. So Sadie loves the books, and when I read them to her, I automatically do them in a British accent. “The class will love this,” I thought to myself. You know when an idea sounds good in your head, but when you actually carry it out, you wish you would have thought it through a bit more? Turns out my ‘British’ accent is not so good apparently.

I figured most of the kids would get it, since this age group lives for the Disney channel, and would be familiar with these two English kids. So I tell the class by way of a grand introduction that I will be reading in this accent just like the show. But when I started reading they all looked at me with these puzzled faces. I heard myself then, and realized that the accent wasn’t working AT ALL. I panicked. I got all hot, and then my face went red and I stuttered a little with the words and all the while, they just looked at me with their heads tilted to the side and their little eyebrows furrowed. Suddenly I was aware that there was a new student teacher in the class, also looking at me quizzically. My mind was racing: do I commit to the awful accent? Do I try to drop it slowly? Do I quit cold turkey?

I decided to commit. I finished it out but I don’t think one kid understood what I said. Of course then I obsessed about it, and replayed the whole awful business in my head over and over again. Let it go, Let it go I kept saying to myself afterward, They are Kindergarteners for pete’s sake. So much for being dramatic 🙂

Note to self: stay on this side of the Pond, please.

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I have officially morphed into That Insane Mom. Sadie lost her little lovie, Rosie, the other day. It’s her sweet little white bunny that she takes EVERYWHERE with her. I thought maybe we left it at the Dr’s office. So I called the front desk and told the lady that I had an EMERGENCY. I literally said this during the height of the worst flu epidemic our town has seen in AGES. (It was an emergency to me…) I told her that we had been in that morning, and it was of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE that we find the white bunny.

She transferred me over to the office manager. I got her voice mail, so I left her an URGENT message explaining that my daughter can’t sleep without this Webkinz bunny, and here is what it looks like: it has two hair bands on it’s ears like ponytails–bright purple and green–you can’t miss it–so could she PLEASE do a thorough search of room three, the kids waiting area, and everywhere in between?

I didn’t hear back from her, so I called again and said I NEED to speak to a real person, and the office manager is not answering her phone. Could you please look for this lost white bunny? Could a nurse go back there and scour the area? And the front desk lady said, oh, we looked all over for it this morning and didn’t find anything. She was so nonchalant! Didn’t she GET that Rosie MUST BE FOUND? So I asked her if we could stop in after school and look for it ourselves. Whatever, she said.

So we showed up after school and went up to lady sitting at the desk and I said “did I talk to you earlier about the white bunny?” She looked at me like I was speaking gibberish. Apparently she was NOT the person I had talked to. So it’s super busy in there, and the phone is ringing off the hook, and I’m like ‘do you have kids? My daughter lost her favorite white bunny here this morning, and I was hoping we could go back there and look for it ourselves.’ She can barely contain her huffy sigh, and picks up the phone and calls back to the nurse and explains the situation. I catch a teeny eye roll. “Uh huh. Yeah, they’re here…” she covers up the mouthpiece and says “the nurse said she ALREADY looked for it and didn’t find it.” I am feeling panicky and I say a little too quickly, ‘did she check behind the bed? In the crate with the toys? Can I go back there and look myself?’ She sighs again and talks to the nurse again. She looks back up at us and says, no, I’m sorry, we can’t allow you to go back there, we have a patient in that room…wait, the dr. knows who you are and he said he’ll send the nurse out to get you (ahh, small towns!)

So a nurse comes out to the front and looks at us and says “White bunny?” She is not amused. Sadie and I follow her back to the room and she tells me again that she even looked in drawers and cupboards and couldn’t find it. I tell her that I’m a little OCD (!?) and that I’m really glad she is letting us look. Of course we don’t find anything. The doctor (who we love, and who knows I have a teeny anxiety problem) says they’ll call if they find anything.

I am almost crying (but I don’t let Sadie see it…I’ve got to keep it together!) but I am so sad–it’s like a piece of her little soul is missing. I keep thinking of Rosie’s ears in the little ponytails and my heart just hurts. So we go to the store and buy her another Webkinz. She gets a cat and names her Isabella, but I can tell it just isn’t the same. She is not NEARLY as huggable as Rosie. We say a prayer that night that God will help us find Rosie, but I’m secretly thinking that some kid swiped her from Room Three at the medical center. The next day Sadie says how sad she still is about losing Rosie, and how she hopes she will someday forget about her. I think I’m taking it harder than her. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t help it.

I went to her school after lunch to volunteer, and on a whim I stopped in the office and asked if anyone had found a white bunny. The office lady said “Does it have hair bands around it’s ears like ponytails? Bright green and purple?” ROSIE! I yell. She told me that someone had found her on the floor yesterday and had brought her to the office. I told her the whole story about how awful it has been (for me especially) without Rosie and about the dr’s office, and she patted my arm and said her daughter lost her Sunshine blanket once, and she CALLED HER DOCTOR AT HOME to come open up the medical center after hours.

Thank you office lady! Thank you for understanding.

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