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So I’ve really not been ok. I don’t think I realized how far under the water I was until I started to surface recently. I don’t know how I mistook the murky deep for light or air. All I know is that I didn’t know how bad I was feeling until I started feeling better. Depression is tricky that way. It’s like the frog who doesn’t feel the water getting hotter as he starts to boil because it’s been happening so gradually.

Thankfully I have found a good nurse practitioner who recognized the need to up my medication. Every once in a while I’ll have these flashes of hope and light, and their existence is quite a surprise to me. That buoyant feeling means its working!

My new therapist reminded me that in the past six months I have moved across the country, left my job, left my girlfriends, AND my sister died. So a little depression really shouldn’t be surprising me–or a cause to panic. I LOVE her. People think you have to be crazy to go to a therapist. I say I’d be CRAZY not to see one. She helps me realize that I am quite sane.

So, I’ll be here, trudging along–skipping occasionally–and working my way up out of the water.

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I haven’t posted for a while because, frankly, I’ve been too depressed. But hope has come to me in the form of a new therapist who is working with me on changing my negative thoughts. Turns out, thoughts cause feelings, not the other way around. And my feelings have been leading me around for, well, my  whole life. Mostly I think that feelings happen to me, and then I think about how I feel. But Rational Emotive Therapy (a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) says that you can control your emotions by how you think about what happens to you. I’ve been keeping a log of my negative thoughts and it’s no wonder I feel sad and depressed. My therapist gave me some worksheets where I try to parse out thoughts/ feelings and figure out where the damage coming from. It’s hard work, let me tell you. Yesterday I was sad and depressed and I had a hard time figuring out why. I tried to fill out my worksheets and ended up just sleeping to escape the badness. But I’m hopeful yet. I have to tell myself that I’m not going to be perfect at it right away.

In other news, my class is over and I am relieved. I need all my brain energy to get my thoughts straightened out.  I feel pretty good this morning rain notwithstanding.

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