Why is it that fights between people who love each other happen most often right before church? This past most holiest of Sundays, EASTER, Dan and I had this hideous fight in the car minutes before we walk into to church. I was so sure I was right and church or no church, I WAS NOT going to apologize. Why do I always have to apologize first anyway? So the song leader says ‘let’s all stand and praise the Lord’ and I am planted on the seat and surly. Instead of singing, I grab my journal and start writing, pushing the pen down hard, about how infuriating my husband is, and how maddening it is to be right and not be appreciated for that rightness. My heart is hard and black and I can’t imagine even God wanting to do anything about it.
Then this thought floats through my mind: is it possible that you may be partly at fault? Why don’t you take an honest look at the interchange and then decide. What? NO. I am right. I will be mad. But my mind goes over the fight anyway, beyond my control, and I realize that I said some things that were MEANT to hurt Dan, and maybe I wasn’t totally justified in my smug I’m-the-winner attitude. It wasn’t like winning was making me feel any better, anyway. Suddenly I am pierced and my heart goes to mush, and I realize that God does care about the state of my insides, and my pride is gone as quick as you can blink your eyes. I’m choked up when I whisper to Dan that I meant to hurt him and that I was sorry. By this time, the singing is over and there is this corny Easter drama going on. Dan and I are both hunched down whispering to each other, and he says ‘even when I’m mad at you, I still love you. I won’t abandon you.’ Then I start crying, almost sobbing, and the people around probably think I’m moved to tears over the drama, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I can’t believe God has given me this man, who even in the face of my mean-ness loves me anyway, and forgives me. I’m crying even now, thinking about it.
Unmerited favor. That is grace in the shape of my husband. God is good to me even when I am awful, and I’m just so thankful.
you could have just described any number of fights i have had with my husband, moments before entering church. and my right-ness and my mean-ness were of no moment because after all, i was right and right to be mean.
and the Holy Spirit has also pricked me at the precise moment and i have been reduced to tears and people think i am emotional over the cantor’s singing. how funny, our God 🙂
my husband of 18 years i also believe i meritoriously favored in having. we are very alike, you and me.
peace.
Praise God for his amazing grace!
Shelley, I can complete relate to the Sunday morning arguements. We were in the car Sunday morning and the old song “Shattered Dreams” came on and I was just staring out the window watching the miles go by and listening to the words. I was crying and thinking of all the dreams I had and how I had let so many of them go to allow room for my husbands. I was so angry at him for so many things. Then I pondered on the words I just sobbed relizeing that I felt those same emotions towards God at that moment. How many let downs will He continue to send my way? And as if everything around me was in slow motion, he spoke to my heart, “Until you trust me, rely on me and let me.” I soften my bristles and was able to smile again at Allen. Knowing that he mirroring my savior would also lay down his life for me.